Dating apps are multiple in the cyber space; some of them allow you to meet others in accordance to their geographical location, some bring closer the interests of the two parties, and some pave the way to choose a partner according to physical appearance in a photo or a video.
For the first glimpse, comprehending the way an application operates seems to be a simple matter, but we are present in a geographical spot in the globe that rejects difference and threatens our personal security in every step we take; and hence, in the moment we decide to click on the virtual “like” option in the app, this decision would be accompanied by a set of fears and assumed threats that were forced on us by being in this country; of them, is dealing with harassers, thieves, manipulative individuals, and the list goes on…
And on top of this list of fears, comes to us, bisexual people, un-acceptance; it’s highly probable that heterosexuals wouldn’t accept bisexuals, especially if they are closed minded, homophobic, and biphobic people to begin with. But the laugh-cry-worthy fact is that this rejection may come from individuals from the queer community itself, where some discriminative beliefs against bisexuals are dominant; like the beliefs that they’re cheaters by instinct, not queer enough, undercover heterosexuals, or many other shameful allegations that some of the individuals of the queer community cast upon bisexuals, carrying so much stigmatization, which in turn elevates the feelings of foreignness among the bisexual community members, and makes them hesitate before endeavoring to make acquaintance with any man or woman from this community.
Following that on the list, is our fear to morph into a fetish; some heterosexuals believe that a bisexual female, specifically, is a target to achieve their sexual dreams fantasia in having a threesome… not that I am against threesomes, but what bothers me is confining a bisexual individual in this narrow mold, as if she/he’s a sexual container.
What distresses me more, personally, when I date a heterosexual man, is that I don’t know how he’ll come to terms with my attraction to women too, and if he will think that that means I am also available to satisfy his desires like Harun al-Rashid, expecting he’d find himself one day between two women in one bed! Or if he’ll ignore my sexuality all together as if my bisexuality isn’t there, and he’ll avoid conversing about it and won’t listen to my various emotions, which is what actually had happened with me in a personal experience with someone. On the other hand, some look at it from an egoistic misogynistic perspective, assuming that sexual attraction between women is a type of temporary pleasures that would come to an end once the hormonal eruption between them had vanished.
My fears from dating are always constricted between stigmatization and rejection; will a girl stigmatize me as not queer enough if I dated her? Or will a guy reject me because I’m attracted to women! And I am always confined by the question “Will I find my happiness with one of the men or of the women?”. And still my list of fears goes on and on, and most of it comes to one point “The moment of confession”, how will I tell him/her that I am bisexual?! Will I tell him/her in the beginning of the relationship or after a while? But I fear attachment followed by rejection!!
But the truth is, reality is worse; finding a space of humans that is comfortable and gives our hearts peace, we the bisexual people, is a chance that needs a lot of effort and hard work, it would require a great deal of communication, self-expression, explaining our intentions and purposes, and denying the accusations that might be thrown upon us by our partners. But isn’t this what is required in a romantic relationship anyway? Yes, but when a bisexual individual is being treated as someone who is a cheater by instinct, and who has the spontaneous probability of leaning one day towards the other side, and when the fingers of suspicion are pointed towards him/her constantly, then we need double the effort that any other relationship requires.
Personally, I fear stigmatization far more that I fear rejection; I may have found some acceptance from the heterosexual men that I’ve dated, where some of them had accepted it realistically, and some reluctantly, avoiding it and avoiding talking about it as if it was a “Curse”. But I couldn’t handle the look of disappointment I received from queer women once I’d told them about my bisexuality, with saying things like “Don’t take it personally, but you know what they say about bisexuals” and then she smiles perplexedly; these words and beliefs make me feel as if passage is permitted but with a toll, the toll of pure queerness, which increases within me my feeling of foreignness in the queer community and makes me wonder repeatedly “Do I belong here?”… and after a while, I decided to not belong anywhere.
The funny thing about it, are those myths running round about bisexuals proclaiming they have plenty of options, as if they find pleasure and love under every rock, and devour the never-ending pleasure between the different bodies. But, I am sorry to deform these erotic myths with a much more complex reality that makes us think one thousand times before going on a date with someone, and puts on our shoulders the weight of “A confession” that might be the reason for our rejection, and we become in the place of denying accusations day and night.
I always wonder if I one day love a heterosexual man and decide to marry him, will I be accepted in the queer community and still be seen as the same old friend? Or will I turn into a “Men pleaser”? And if one day I loved a woman and decided to marry her, will my friends and the society accept me?... As you see ladies and gentlemen, we have plenty of options, however they’re somewhat…. closed.
